Vacation Time!

Sitting at the airport hotel trying to get some sleep which seems very impossible right now, I have to get up in less than 3 hrs to check myself onto my flight for Amsterdam (then Atlanta -> Puerto Rico).

Getting on the boat today was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do, the thought of leaving my Boyfriend killed me and when time came it was hard to hold back the tears.
I didn't cry in front of him though, I broke down on the toilet where I sobbed for a few minutes. A woman came to my stall door and asked if I was ok, damn I felt stupid at that time trying to tell her that everything was fine. My torment didn't end there, the boat had leaked some oil into the harbor so the cleaning crew had to come and do their thing & the leak had to be repaired and that took an hour..
Daniel (My BF) waited outside for a while, guess he thought they'd send us off the boat...
But they didn't, so there I was all alone aching to just run off the boat and go home with him.
This sounds lame and very ungrateful but since we got together we haven't been away from each other for more than a few days and me being the sensitive cry baby I've become can't stand this torture of being alone when I know I could be with him (or with the family).
I know the saying about distance makes the hat grow fonder or whatever but right now SUCKS!
Can't wait to get the rest of the journey started!
Better try and get some rest now, if I can cuz tomorrow's gonna be a long day!

All the love in the world to you all <3

Still Afraid..

When it comes to meeting men and finding someone that's interesting is actually easy for me, most of my friends know this but what they might not know is how hard it is for me to actually gather the courage to talk to them. For some reason this has been very hard (if not impossible) for me to do, I think it's that I'm so afraid of rejection, actually I know that this is the reason.

But since I moved to Åland this has become somewhat easier, I'm still afraid of rejection but listening to this song by Landon Austin: Ready For Anything has made me realize that I am braver than this and I'm ready to find love!

So this Saturday we had a event from my school that I was involved in and later that night I met the guys i had been checking out at school and they seemed really happy to see me, one of them even gave me a hug! (thought I was gonna die xD)

These boys are so funny and great to have around, I sat down with them and had an amazing time.

We had been drinking, I'm not gonna deny that and as the clock ticked away towards closing the after party talk started. By then my friend Rebecca had joined me and we were patiently waiting for the boys to decide where to go.

We got out coats and stood outside the bar the boys were still discussing where to go, the one that I had my eye on got restless and wanted to go home and without hesitating I left with him. 

The whole way to his apartment we held hands and talked (it wasn't that far which was good since I had my very high heels on).

I ended up staying the night with this man, he asked me if it was ok if he put on a movie (he explained that it was easier for him to fall asleep). I had no objections and waited for him to pick a movie, after which he laid down beside me and wrapped his arms around me.

It was so cozy to cuddle like this and I enjoyed every minute of it, the best part was whenever he'd kiss me ;) This was so close to perfect!

I fell asleep in his arms...

I haven't seen him since then, we go to the same school but he's studying a different program and he's one year above me, but as I said I've been checking him and his friends out ever since we first crossed paths (we have also been talking a few times).

Becca and I were curious to when we'd see them again (since it's so close to the end of the school year) so I checked their schedule and noticed that they only had two more days of school yesterday and today.

But I didn't see him yesterday but that's when I walked across a  bulletin board where I noticed a paper I hadn't seen before with names. On closer inspection I noticed that it was a timetable for the test the boys were having and his name was last for today.

I had classes to 11.30 but have a few essays to write so I decided to stay after, I sat down at a table and started on my work.

A few minutes before his time he and another guy arrived and walked into the class, he had his suitcase with him so after he was probably going home. So there I sat feeling how my heart started beating faster, I waited for about an hour thinking about if I should go up to him and talk or just let it be..

When they came out he left, walked out the door giving me no chance to talk to him :(

'Game over' I thought and gathered my things to find a warmer place to sit (It was chilly sitting so close to the door that opened every 15 min).

I went to sit in our tower, I didn't get far before I needed to pee and there's no toilet up there so I took the elevator down to the first floor, when the doors opened I almost had an heart attack!

There he was, the perfectness I wanted to see & talk to. I was lost for words and it took a moment to find something to say but we did have a small conversation and I asked if he was going home. He said that he was not going home but on a trip and that his boat didn't leave until later today and that he was on his way up to pass some time watching tv in the tower.

I told him that I'd see him there and continued.

(OMG, He smells good!)

I'm now back in the tower and as I look at him now I would nothing else than to sit beside him with his arm wrapped around me holding me close, kissing me occasionally. But that is just a dream because he's leaving today and I haven't had the nerve to ask him when he's coming back...

He just left...

Guess I won't see him until this fall then, why didn't I just talk to him more today?

Guess I'm still afraid.... 

The Ideal Man..

I know he's out there!
Many time's now I've found men that are pretty close, never really became anything of it but it has given me hope that he is out there.
Small things that happen around me and things I see on tv have once again reminded me of what I want in a man..
It's the small things that would make me happy, like when we go to bed that he'd hold me until I fall asleep, just watching a movie and cuddling. Leaving small notes with cute messages, oh god I sound cheesy xD
Maybe this is a little demanding of me now that I think of it :P
But his has happened to me in the past, so I know that he's out there.
What else?
oh yes he has to have a goal in life, I'd love for him to be hardworking and driven!

In the end all I want is to be loved just the way I am.

Making Monday's easier!

Want something to look forward to ladies?
Well let me tell you about my new blog called Alina's Man Crush Monday where as you might have guessed I'll be posting pictures of a cute/hot guy every monday and tell you how I "found" him and some info about him.
Here's the link, feel free to follow it and see what I have in store for you ;)

AlinasMCM

Also feel free to comment and follow me on instagram :D

Thats all for now
Love
Alina

It can only get better...

Wow, I really need to calm down here..
These past few months have been crazy with party nights and way to much fun :P
Even though I enjoy the late boozed up nights as much as the next young person but I need to face the facts that I am getting older and more tired because of this.
I may have also gotten a bit more crazy but who knows!

Tomorrow it's valentine's day. YEEEEIIII.... or Not!
I've never actually liked this holiday, mostly because I have never had anyone to spend it with.. But then yesterday it hit me it's not just about love between you and your loved one but also about friends.
How have I not thought about this before?
Yeah sure I've gotten my friends gifts and cards but I've always been bummed about not having a boyfriend to cuddle and spend this loved filled day with. But this year I'm gonna spend it with friends and then me, Rebecca and Ida are taking a boat home.

And after all that's said and done, the way I've been treated by the man I thought that I was in love with maybe spending this day with friends is a good alternative?

So maybe this year will be better?


I have to believe that everything happens for a reason!

//
Alina

My Misstake

Talked to a few people who know this guy i spent Saturday night with and some of them suspected that something had happened and now I feel even worse..
I saw him today, we had this thing at school where different companies visited to tell us about the job opportunities they have (and that they could meet us)
I was home sick today but this was too important to miss so I went there and upon arriving at school I was nervous because I knew there was a chance he'd be there.
When I got into the elevator I tried calming my nerves but failed miserably, the first thing I saw when the elevator doors opened were a few of my friends and as I stood beside them one of them whispered to me that he was there.
God my heart sped up and I felt lightheaded (really pathetic).
I asked her where he was and she pointed to behind a bookshelf, I took a few steps so that it wasn't in the way and as she had said there he was, sitting in a couch with a few friends..
I had hoped seeing him would make me dislike him or something but it didn't, it just made everything worse!
He still looked so nice, why couldn't he be ugly or something? No I was still attracted to him, the connection I felt was still there. I remembered how his arms felt around me, his body right there behind me, his lips on mine and that beautiful smile of his...

Don't know if I'm paranoid but it felt like he was watching me at one point, part of me hopes that he was and that his thoughts were along the line 'God I want her, how can I get her' or even 'should I go talk to her'
He didn't say a word to me, he didn't even acknowledge me. Of course I'm a little to blame there since I avoided him as much as possible. Still if he really wanted to talk to me he would've tried, I'm not the one who hid the truth and I definitely didn't fool him in any way.
I was the one who got fooled here and the way I learned the truth was the worst possible.

I look at the empty spot beside me wishing that there was someone there, when I walk out the door why can't he be standing there or when I'm at the bar why can't he just come walking in?

I crash and burn too fast!
It's always been my problem, falling for guys way to fast and then when it ends or things go to shit I'm sad :(
I just don't like being alone and down here I don't have the same support as back home. There's this one person who has always been there whenever things have gone to shit but as I said she's not here (and right now I'd really need you.) Sure I can call but it's not the same as having you right here next to me.

I really need to change, but it's so hard believe me I have tried..

It was only just a dream...

//Alina

P.s If you're confused I understand but I guess this blog is more for me. It's a way for me to vent and work things out. I could do this on the computer just for myself but I'd start questioning why I do it, it's easier to motivate myself with the thought of someone (that think their life sucks) reading this and maybe they'd feel less alone by reading about my fucked up life (right now anyway, it'll get better I know it but right now it seems hopeless)

So I asked the guy I like if he wan't to come to this event we're having in February and we've been talking about if for almost an hour and it sounds very positive!
Now I'm nervous and excited as I always am whenever he's around or I think of him (or when we're gonna meet and  I'm wait until that day)
Omg I can't believe I'm being this soppy and a bit pathetic but that's how much I like him I guess.

Rebecca just arrived so we're off now to the store and then to a small party :)

Love to ya'll

//Alina

Didn't Go As Planned

So when I got to school today there's this small tv where you can check which class room you're gonna be in and passing by I noticed that this one boy was going to be in the same room where I had my first class (after us ofc) so I had butterflies in my stomach and waited the whole day hoping that I'd see him or just catch a glimpse of him but no :(
When we had a break the door was closed and when our day was over (our lessons ended the same time) they had already left and the classroom was empty.

A part of me know's he's not the guy for me (not really sure I mean that..)  and I should just give up (and in a way I have) .

Then I have this guy who I've had a crush on for over a year now, one of the major reasons nothing happened between us was that he was that after he had finished school he'd move back to his hometown and I'd stay where I was. But now we both live in the same place and I'm scared to do anything about it.
I don't want to screw things up and I REALLY don't wanna get rejected by him, I don't think I'd take it too well.

Then again Nothing Ventured Nothing Gained..

Talked to Emma today for almost an hour!
Felt good to hear her voice and it reminded me how much I miss having her around all the time xD
She's a big believer in me and the guy mentioned above (the one that moved and I'm scared to ask? out)
If Em were here I have no doubt that she would've pushed us together by now, sadly she's not here to do that so it's up to me (and we all know that nothing's gonna happen then, someone should threaten my life or something then maybe I'd do something)

I should totally grow a pair (and stop being a wuss!!)

Quote for the day was uttered by Usher
"No Risk, No Reward"
Wise words and I should definitely try living by them!

Much Love
//Alina

P.s If you read this (you, you know the guy I'm talking about) Part of me hopes you'll never see this the other's screaming at me to share the link so that you'd maybe see it but if you by any chance come across it and if you're interested in getting to know me more then give me a call or something? Let me know ok!

I Think You Belong With Me

In movies and tv-shows they make love (at least finding it) seem so easy, my experience tells me that it’s just bullshit (and I think we all know it).
I've met many good guys (according to their friends and my first impression of them told me that they were good ones) but in the end something happens (or is it me, do I bring out the worst in them?) and they’re not so good anymore.
Secrets that unfold the more I get to know them, things that just destroys everything :(
This happened to me just this weekend, met a guy at a bar. He seemed like such a nice guy, invited him into my home and spent the night together (just sleeping! and some kissing ;D) and then the truth comes out :(

My pillow still smells like him, it’s faded a bit now but I can still smell it (I don’t want it to fade completely). That morning was one of the most perfect I've ever had and the night wasn't all too bad either.
For the entire night this gorgeous man held me in his arms, a good song for that night would be Daylight by Maroon 5 (which is the one that just started playing xD)
In the morning (or day, it was kind of late) I had found out his secret and I was a little pissed and hurt by what had been uncovered, so I had turned my back to him.
I felt him shift and a sound that let me know he was awake, I panicked and tried thinking of what I should do but nothing seemed to make much sense.
I should have thrown him out or at least tell him off but I didn't…
Well he did the cutest thing ever; he kissed my shoulder, leaned over me so he could see my face and I could see him and the cutest smile ever. Then he said ‘Good Morning’ and kissed me on my lips.
This little thing melted my heart and the moment was perfect, I remember thinking that I could wake up like this every morning. Sadly that is not the case, we spent the most of the day in bed but all good things come to an end so he left and today I woke up alone.
This whole thing seems like a dream but I know that it happened and part of me is glad it did but the other part of me is sad.
I didn’t know him very long but in the time that I did it felt like we had a connection.

Now all I can do is wait and hope that everything sorts itself out.

 Everything Happens For a Reason

 //Alina

I've been in love, I've gotten my heart broken many times.
The most recent one was one of the worst so far, The whole situation was clear for a while. I liked him and from what I knew he liked me back, we went out to the bar where we danced and had so much fun :D
Once when we were out an older gentleman asked us several times if we were together, I told him that we were not because the boy thought that we should take it slow or something like that.
Well anyway, I fell so hard for this gorgeous charming boy. I couldn't stop thinking of him and whenever I did there was always a smile on my face.
He did have his faults but who in this world doesn't?
This story ends in tears and the unraveling started with him not answering my text.

I was on a internship on a ship, it was my last day before going on leave and I had planned on going out with a friend so I sent this boy a text that said something along the lines that I was coming home today, that I was going tot he bar with my friend and if he wanted to join us. No answer, so when I got home I was a bit angry and when we arrived at the bar I was ranting on how mad I was gonna be if he's here and hasn't bothered answering me.
I guess I said his name and that caught the attention of a woman beside me, Sadly I don't remember much of this conversation but my friend told me that we had discussed the boy.
Didn't think more of the incident until this woman started chatting with me on FB. She wanted to know what was going on between us, so I told her the truth; the was I saw it. I told her that we've been spending time together and that I like him.
Then she tells me that she's also been spending time with him, that he's slept over there several times (he's slept here on a few occasions tool).
I was so sad after hearing this, my heart was blown into smithereens, tears were cascading down my cheeks and I was violently shaking.

 Wow this sound so lame now looking back, but truth is I really liked this boy and I thought we had a connection but I was so wrong..
Now I haven't seen or heard from him after this and I'm not sure I want to. Sadly I can not escape him and i'll have to face him sooner or later since we go to the same school and we're both in the student organisation thing and we're currently planning an event for February...
But there's a possibility that this is a misunderstanding and I'm in the wrong here, but that doesn't mean that my feelings weren't true and the pain I felt after all of this was any less painful.
I was a mess for days, didn't feel like doing anything.
Oh how pathetic I was and my friends told me to get over it, that we weren't in a relationship so I shouldn't take it so hard. Easy to say, a bit harder to do.
To be honest I still hurt a little...

 Then there's all the other ones, boys who said they'd call but didn't, the ones who stopped answering after a while, the ones that only wanted one thing, the ones that used you, the boys who have girlfriends but neglect to tell you about them until after they have cheated and my fave; the boy who is just perfect for you but he's already taken.
Why is it so hard finding a decent man? Where are they all hiding...
So this was a bit random but I've decided that I'm gonna try and activate my blogging again and this is the first thing that popped up when I sat down with the computer.

Love to the world (even though I can't seem to find it for myself)
 //Alina

 P.s I'm never giving up on finding my prince charming, he's out there I know it!